Archer Effect
by misfit320
Summary: What happens when the crew of the Normandy 2 rely on Shepard to acquisition a piece of much-needed material?
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, so I just finished watching a whole lot of Archer from FX while working on my main ME stories, and I was wondering what would happen if Mass Effect was more like Archer? Not technically a crossover, but just something... really weird. Totally OOC for every character, but it's amuses the crap out of me. Written in the style of a script because there is no way I could think of doing that kind of dialogue in standard fiction form.  
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**Of course, I don't own any of the characters. **

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><p>(Briefing room. Shepard is talking to The Illusive Man via hologram.)<p>

TIM: So, let me get this straight.

Shepard: Ok.

TIM: I bring you back from the dead…

Shepard: Uh huh.

TIM: … assemble the best team in the galaxy…

Shepard: Well, 'best' is such a relative term...

TIM: … give you the best resources available…

Shepard: Again, relative terminology here…

TIM: All so that you could survive what was likely to be a suicide mission…

Shepard: Well, I mean, suicide for anyone who isn't me…

TIM: And now, you're telling me that you're not going to do anything else unless you get… what, again?

Shepard: An espresso machine.

(silence.)

TIM: An espresso machine.

Shepard: Yup.

TIM: No.

Shepard: I think by no, you mean…

TIM: No.

Shepard: "… way would I let you risk your life without an espresso machine."

TIM: No, I mean "no, I am not giving you an espresso machine."

Shepard: … Seriously?

TIM: Yes.

Shepard: You're asking me to save the galaxy without an espresso machine?

TIM: No, I'm telling you.

Shepard: And I'm telling you, no deal.

TIM: What?

Shepard: I'm not going to do it.

TIM: Yes you will.

Shepard: No I won't. Go ahead and kill me, because life is not worth living without espresso!

TIM: I'm not going to kill you.

Shepard: Death or espresso, that's the only choice.

TIM: There is no choice, I'm telling you no espresso machine.

(silence)

Shepard: Fine. But if I happen to wander through the airlock and space myself because I'm exhausted because I haven't had my morning espresso, it'll be your fault.

TIM: I'll learn to live with that.

Shepard: How about just a better coffee maker? I can live without espresso as long as I have coffee that won't kill a krogan.

(silence)

TIM: No. (hologram disappears)

Shepard: DAMMIT!

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><p>*(Mess hall. Kelly and Miranda are each getting a cup of coffee)<p>

Kelly: I hope Shepard's talk with The Illusive Man goes well.

Miranda: If anyone can get us an espresso machine, it's Shepard.

Kelly: You're right. He can talk people into anything.

Miranda: Including his pants.

Kelly: Hmm?

Miranda: Nothing.

(Shepard walks up.)

Kelly: Hey Shepard!

Miranda: So, how'd it go?

Shepard: What?

Miranda: Your talk with The Illusive Man. How'd it go?

Shepard: Oh, that.

Kelly: So, we're getting an espresso machine?

Shepard: What?

Kelly: Espresso machine.

Shepard: Um...

Miranda: … it didn't go well, did it?

Shepard: Define… "well."

Miranda: We're not getting an espresso machine, are we?

Shepard: No.

Miranda: DAMMIT!

Shepard: I know, right?

Miranda: You played hardball, didn't you?

Shepard: Um…

Miranda: I TOLD you not to play hardball! I told you to just ask The Illusive Man NICELY if we could have one, and he would give us one!

Shepard: Well, I don't remember you being in the room, he started it!

Miranda: What do you mean?

Shepard: He was all defensive and crap. "I gave you the best crew and resources available…"

Miranda: And what did you say to that?

Shepard: I told him that best is a relative term.

Miranda: Hey!

Kelly: So, no espresso machine?

Shepard: NO, Kelly, no espresso machine!

Kelly: Well, what about a better coffee maker?

Shepard: …

Kelly: DAMMIT!

Shepard: Ok, calm down, everyone, I have a plan.

Miranda: Ok. What's the plan?

Shepard: What?

Miranda: Your plan, what is it?

Shepard: Oh. Well, I was going to try to sleep with you again.

Miranda: WHAT?

Shepard: Yeah.

Miranda: How would that get us an espresso machine?

Shepard: Well… it wouldn't.

Kelly: So why did you say you had a plan to get us an espresso machine?

Shepard: I didn't say I had a plan to get us an espresso machine, I just said I had a plan. I didn't say it had anything to do with getting us an espresso machine.

Miranda: You… ok, so, we slept together once!

Kelly: Hello!

Miranda: I thought we were going to die!

Shepard: Well, there were a lot of, as the French would call them, "little deaths."

(Kelly and Miranda just stare at Shepard.)

Shepard: … orgasms.

Miranda: Yeah, we got that. It was just really stupid.

Shepard: Well, EXCUSE ME for trying to bring a little class to this ship!

Miranda: Let me make this clear to you. I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the only other living being in the galaxy, you creep!

(Miranda storms off.)

Kelly: I'll sleep with you.

Shepard: … you realize that you're totally plan b, right?

Kelly: I'm fully aware.

Shepard: And that I will keep trying to sleep with Miranda?

Kelly: The more the merrier.

Shepard: … Ok, let's go.

(They run off.)

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><p><strong>So yeah, just something dumb. But I kinda like it. What do you think?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, so, I guess I'm not quite done with this yet...**

**All characters owned by Bioware. Written in rough script form (read: VERY rough script form), as that's the only way I can see to do this.**

**All for fun...**

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><p>(Miranda is walking out of the conference room when Shepard walks up to her.)<p>

Shepard: So… who were you talking to?

Miranda: None of your business.

Shepard: Come on, I'm in charge on this ship, and I need to know if you were giving away our position or sharing tactical information with our enemies or… some other crap like that.

Miranda: … do you think much before you talk or do you just let it fly?

Shepard: Usually I don't even realize I'm talking until I'm halfway through a sentence, and at that point, it's like, you know, 'screw it, let's see where this goes.'

Miranda: Yeah, I realized that.

Shepard: So, who was it?

Miranda: Fine, if you must know, it was a contact I have in the Alliance. They're arranging for another human Spectre to come aboard to help us fight the Collectors.

Shepard: Hey, you already HAVE a human Spectre, and the best damn one available.

Miranda: …

Shepard: ME!

Miranda: Well, 'best' is such a relative term.

Shepard: … I hate you for using my own line against me. And wait… another human Spectre? You don't mean…

Miranda: Yup.

Shepard: No!

Miranda: Yup.

Shepard: NO!

Miranda: YUUUUP!

Shepard: NO! Bad Cerberus operative, bad! What the hell, Miranda?

Miranda: We need all the help we can get, and you're too busy shtupping the yeoman…

Shepard: She has a name, Miranda. I… can't remember it right now, but I'm sure she has a name!

Miranda: Kelly.

Shepard: No… John. John Shepard. God, we've been working together for how long now?

Miranda: No, the yeo- nevermind. Anyways, we need someone to help us get back on mission! Lieutenant Williams is one of the best, and she's worked with you before.

Shepard: She's my psycho ex-girlfriend, Miranda! Our relationship was equal parts sex and her shooting at me! Which, I mean, honestly is kinda hot, but SHE WAS SHOOTING AT ME!

Miranda: Well, she'll be here in three days, so you'd best stock up on medi gel.

(Miranda walks away, leaving Shepard to call after her.)

Shepard: Fine, but when she kills me, you're going to have to bring me back again, so… there! (to himself) So there? What the hell, you're better than that.

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><p>Shepard, Miranda and Kelly are standing in the CIC. While Miranda and Kelly are in their normal clothing, Shepard is in full combat gear, with his helmet in his hands.<p>

Shepard: I still say this is a bad idea! It's not too late, disconnect the airlocks and let's get the hell out of here!

Miranda: No, Lieutenant Williams is coming aboard to help, and we'll let her. Now stop acting ridiculous, Shepard, and take off that armor.

Shepard: Hey, you get shot at enough times by someone, you learn to take precautions. I am not getting out of this armor until she's off the ship.

Kelly: Damn.

Shepard: Hey, it's ok… you…

Kelly: Kelly.

Shepard: Kelly! I was just about to say that.

Kelly: Whatever.

Shepard: Anyways, this is a bad idea, and…

(Ashley walks up behind Shepard.)

Ashley: Hey, Skipper!

Shepard: AHH! (drops his helmet, puts his hands over his head, and drops to the floor) Duck and cover, duck and cover! I need air support!

All: …

Shepard: Oh… Hi Ashley. (stands up) I was just… uh…

Ashley: Reliving our first date?

Miranda: Haha!

Kelly: I like her already!

Shepard: (glares at Miranda and Kelly) Hey! The crew doesn't speak unless spoken to!

Miranda: Whatever.

Kelly Whatever.

Shepard: (facepalms) Dammit!

Ashley: Anyways, where should I stow my gear?

Kelly: I'll show you.

(Kelly and Ashley walk off.)

Ashley: (as leaving) God, I can't wait to shoot something!

Shepard: (to Miranda) This will all end in tears.

Miranda: Yeah, but as long as they're yours, I'm good with that.

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><p>(Kelly is giving Ashley a tour of the ship. They're in the mess.)<p>

Kelly: And, of course, this is the mess. Gardner keeps a pot of coffee on at all times for us. It's crap coffee, but it does the trick.

(Jack walks up, coffee in hand)

Kelly: And this is Jack, our resident psychotic biotic.

Ashley: Nice to meet you.

Jack: Hey, what's up?

Ashley: (Ashley's eyes go wide) Oh my god, you're a woman!

Jack: What?

Ashley: I thought you were a teenage boy or something!

Jack: (glares are Ashley, her eyes narrow) … you're on the list, bitch.

(Jack stalks off)

Kelly: Well, that… could've gone better.

Ashley: Sorry, I honestly thought she was a boy.

Kelly: You know, it wouldn't surprise me if she actually was.

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><p>(Kelly is showing Ashley the armory. Jacob is at the table working.)<p>

Kelly: And this is the armory.

Ashley: Ah, familiar territory. A lot nicer than the bench I had on the original Normandy.

Jacob: Hi there… I don't believe we've met yet.

Ashley: I don't believe we have, either. You must be…

Jacob: Jacob Taylor.

Ashley: … the token black guy.

Jacob: Wait, what did you just say?

Ashley: What?

Jacob: Did you just call me the token black guy?

Ashley: No! That's totally not anything I would ever say! I love black guys!

Jacob: … you're on the list, bitch.

(Jacob stalks away.)

Kelly: That's… pretty much how I met him too, so you're fine.

Ashley: I so totally offended him. Do you think he'll forgive me?

Kelly: Oh yeah. After the rape, he'll forget all about it.

Ashley: Oh, ok- wait, did you say rape?

Kelly: No… yes.

Ashley: He's going to rape me?

Kelly: Hey! That's racist! Just because he's black, you think he's going to rape you?

Ashley: You said-

Kelly: I raped HIM. Made him forget all about anything I said.

Ashley: So… wait, I have to sleep with him for him to forget about it?

Kelly: Actually, just get him piss drunk, wait until he passes out, then leave a pair of underwear in his quarters. When he comes to, he'll think you guys… you know… and he'll be walking around like he's King Kong. Oh my God, I didn't mean that as a racist comment!

Ashley: That's all well and good, but… I, uh… don't wear any…

Kelly: Ah!

Ashley: Yeah…

Kelly: Well, good to know. Filing that under 'F' for future reference. Also, that's hot.

Ashley: What?

Kelly: Just sayin'. Hey, do you wanna check out the showers?

Ashley: … (shrugs) Sure, why the hell not?

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><p><strong>So... yeah...<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**More fun! I can't seem to stop coming up with this stuff. Quite frankly, I don't care if it sucks or not, because it amuses the crap out of me. **

**Bioware owns all of the characters, all I own is a weird, mess-up imagination.**

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><p>(Shepard and Ashley are pinned down behind a rock on a planet's surface. It's a lush, garden-type planet, and would be a perfect vacation spot, if it wasn't for the group of Collectors shooting at them.)<p>

Ashley: Take that, you son of a bitch!

Shepard: Hey, that was my kill!

Ashley: I didn't see YOU shooting him in the face.

Shepard: That's because I was waiting for the opportune moment.

Ashley: What, like after he shot you for the third time?

Shepard: … I so hate you.

Ashley: Whatever. I thought you had killed all of the Collectors?

Shepard: Yeah, well, I guess they didn't get the memo!

(Shepard hurls a grenade at the remaining Collectors, killing them all. Ashley comes over to him.)

Ashley: Hold still for a sec.

Shepard: Ow, hey! OWOWOWOWOW whatthehellareyoudoing!

Ashley: I'm patching you up. You always were such a baby.

Shepard: And you were always such a pain loving dominatrix.

Ashley: I don't remember hearing too many complaints about that.

Shepard: … ok, fair enough, but… OW!

Ashley: Got the bullet. Now shut up.

Shepard: Make me. (he cues his radio) Miranda, Jacob, how're you doing?

Miranda: (over the radio) We're pinned down, the Collectors are trying to flank us!

Shepard: Wow, sounds dangerous over there in that zone that you're in.

Miranda: Yes, it is, now get the hell over here and help us!

Shepard: Get the hell over where?

Miranda: To us!

Shepard: And where are you?

Miranda: God dammit, Shepard, the danger zone! Now get over here before you get us killed!

Shepard: Copy that, Ghost Rider. (Shepard closes the channel, turns to Ashley) I love making her say that… hehe…

Ashley: What?

Shepard: Danger Zone.

Ashley: What's that?

Shepard: … Kenny Loggins?

Ashley: …

Shepard: He was a songwriter from the twentieth century. Danger Zone was one of his songs from Top Gun.

Ashley: …

Shepard: Oh come on, you're in the military, and you're never seen Top Gun? They showed that to me in boot camp!

Ashley: Must have been a fun boot camp. I was busy training.

Shepard: (mumbling) and letting your squad get wiped out.

Ashley: What?

Shepard: Nothing!

Ashley: You remember how much I love pain?

Shepard: … yeah.

(Ashley cocks her rifle once, bringing it up to her shoulder.)

Ashley: I'm gonna hurt you so bad that I think I might orgasm from it.

Shepard: Ash… can it wait until we get back to the ship? I mean, we're in the field, and have to go help our teammates out.

Ashley: …

(She shoots Shepard in the leg. He falls to the ground.)

Shepard: AH, CRAP ON A KROGAN!

Ashley: Oh YES! Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Shepard: YOU SHOT ME!

Ashley: I'm aware of that.

Shepard: IN THE LEG!

Ashley: I know, I was there.

Shepard: GOD DAMMIT ASHLEY!

Ashley: Come on, man up and let's go.

(Shepard stands up, still in pain.)

Shepard: God I hate you so much.

Ashley: Whatever. Let's go. (Ashley leaves)

Shepard: (limping after her) I didn't want you back on board! (to himself) Why am I slightly turned on right now?

Ashley: Because you like it when I hurt you!

Shepard: DAMMIT, you weren't supposed to hear that!

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><p><strong>I so always saw Ashley as being a little... sadistic. :-)<strong>


End file.
